The Ghetto Walmart Grill
Walmart sells this charcoal grill called the “Americana Walk-About Grill.”
The Americana Grill is an inexpensive backyard charcoal grill that comes fully assembled from the store, so taking it home only entails folding its legs up and fitting in in the trunk of your car. From what I’ve seen, it’s available in one color scheme: cobalt and black. The Americana has a squared clamshell shape with rounded-off corners. And this grill is a no-frills affair that comes with two wheels. On the inside, you’ll find a basic grill grate and a shitty hot-coal-holding tray that will rust away after the maiden voyage. The tray on mine is permanently sepulted under a bedrock of ash/ But even with today’s inflation, the Americana Walk-About Grill doesn’t cost but maybe all of sixty five dollars with tax. I imagine it was even less expensive during the before times.
The Americana Walk-About Grill might as well be the Walmart store brand’s counterpart to the classic Weber kettle grill, the way you’d compare Dr. Thunder to Dr. Pepper. Or bagged cereal to boxed cereal.
But the Americana Walk-About Grill is the official charcoal grill of the hood, the projects, the trailer park and the barrios too. It’s very affordable and you can find it at any Walmart, so that’s why I call it the Ghetto Walmart Grill. It’s not to denigrate it, it’s just a more honest nickname. I cook on one and I’ve worked for a wage my entire life.
In fact, my observation of the Ghetto Walmart Grill in its natural habitat comes from a lifetime of delivering everything from riding mowers, laboratory equipment to mid-century modern furniture. (I am still waiting to see a real Noguchi table in the flesh–even though I no longer deliver).
I’ve driven in every archetype of city and town in America. I’ve seen it all–from the most expensive real estate in the California Bay Area, frosty mining towns in the interior of Nevada, literally little houses on prairies and the posh Inner Harbor in Baltimore–where the Atlantic ocean shore washes up on the wrong side.
The Ghetto Walmart Grill doesn't share the same zip code as the “Big Green Egg,” that $500+ back patio furnace that lets the bored middle-class dad blaze up their Costco-sourced “Wagyu.” The Ghetto Walmart Grill lives on the other side of town, in a different neighborhood. You probably won’t find the Ghetto Walmart Grill in a Traeger neighborhood either. The Ghetto Walmart Grill doesn’t have any Wi-Fi connectivity, fancy ignition sources or apps. You light it with the same Bic lighter you light your Camels or Newports that you got at the corner gas station that sells Krispy Krunchy Chicken. The same gas station where you buy Monster Zero Ultras in the mornings and Modelo Tall Boys in the evening on the way home.
Chances are that Ghetto Walmart Grill chefs aren’t cooking thin crust Neapolitan style pizzas with finely chiffoned basil and fresh mozzarella di buffala smeared with homemade sugo from crushed San Marzano tomatoes.
Chances are the Ghetto Walmart Grill chef isn’t cooking a choice filet of sockeye salmon with garlic butter over a pre-soaked cedar plank and serving it with an arugula salad and a crisp Riesling.
Chances are the Ghetto Walmart Grill is being used to cook carne asada or pork spare ribs slathered with Sweet Baby Ray’s. Hot links aren’t out of the question either.
Chances are the Ghetto Walmart Grill cooks mundane cheeseburgers and burnt hot dogs served on styrofoam plates with a side of Doritos that’s slowly soaking up the moisture from a dollop of store-bought potato salad. A congregation of those thin paper plates with the wavy rims that give out after 6 minutes when the food completely soaks through them wouldn’t be out of the question either.
But bashing the Ghetto Walmart Grill directly is unsportsmanlike.
If you apply yourself, it’s not hard to execute some good cookery with it. There’s enough space to properly arrange the bed coals inside to cook a modest amount of food. The clamshell lid, which is permanently hinged on, actually works quite well to trap heat and smoke for cooking larger pieces over indirect heat.
The Ghetto Walmart Grill also affords a great deal of magic for the low cost of sixty five dollars. It’s because the Ghetto Walmart Grill isn’t solely a humble portable hearth that turns any porch, back patio or parking lot into a gathering point; it turns out that the Ghetto Walmart Grill also serves as a teleporter, and that’s its real beauty.
With the Ghetto Walmart Grill, you can grill up some Picanha and travel to Brazil. You can grill some ribeyes, pour red wine and teleport to Madrid or Buenos Aires–just pick [a bottle of wine], your mood and a destination.
Are we talking Mendoza Malbecs or Spanish Tempranillos from La Rioja?
No one’s saying you can’t marinade some skewers with miso and light up some binchotan to travel to Japan either; with a little ingenuity, it’s not hard to adapt the Ghetto Walmart Grill for yakitori. There’s also always Monterrey or Tijuana, both northern Mexican taco strongholds known for their carne asada tacos. There’s nothing like the chain reaction of smoky essence that adheres to the meat as soon the tallow starts to render and drip over the ardent embers and rise up through the grates.
On the off chance you crave the golden afternoon sunlight that beams over the Pacific California coastline and listen to Lana Del Rey’s songs from the early 2010s, you can season some tri-trip roasts and let the Ghetto Walmart Grill do its thing. They’re surprisingly easy to do. Hold them over direct heat until they sear all-over and then finish cooking them indirectly. You’ll know you did it right when the meat reaches about 140*F internally and you let it rest and witness the tri-tip jus flow freely.
Igniting the charcoal is best done with a chimney starter. There’s no need to waste time or money on lighter fluid; that money is rightfully better spent on wine or beer, anyway. Chimney starters are easy to use–the top half gets filled with charcoal and the bottom half gets rolled-up newspaper or pieces of cardboard that will hold a flame to the coals.
It’s always best to roll up all of your misery and frustrations into a ball and stuff them into the bottom half. Light it the chimney and let them all rise up as smoke and away. Once the coals are ashed over, white, lay them out over the Ghetto Walmart Grill and let it take you away. Where else can you buy a $65 dollar one-way ticket to anywhere?